MANCHESTER UNITED won a football match on Sunday but you wouldn’t have known it.
Not from Erik ten Hag’s hushed tones in a tetchy press conference at Newport County’s Rodney Parade.
5Erik ten Hag will have to deal with Marcus RashfordCredit: PA
5The forward was spotted in a Belfast nightclubCredit: Getty
Not from Sir Dave Brailsford’s mournful post-match trudge around the touchline.
And not from the sight of United players openly squabbling on the pitch before they’d even blown a 2-0 lead against League Two opposition.
United have actually managed to go through the whole of January undefeated. Although they only played three matches and two of those were against Wigan and Newport.
But news of Marcus Rashford’s misdemeanours in a Belfast nightclub have cast another shadow over this dark soap opera of a club.
If partying in Belfast had always been a no-no for United stars then they’d never have had George Best.
But even in a very different era, Best’s elite-level career ended at 27.
Rashford is 26 and seemingly heading off the rails. Ten Hag’s attempts at keeping his errant collection of forwards in line have resembled a bloke playing whack-a-mole in an amusement arcade.
First, Cristiano Ronaldo reared his head. Then Mason Greenwood. Then Antony. Then Jadon Sancho. Now Rashford.
Alejandro Garnacho, castigated for his selfishness in the penalty area when Rasmus Hojlund was free, isn’t the easiest player to manage either. Likewise, Anthony Martial.
Hojlund seems like a nice lad. But he’s scored twice in 16 Premier League matches and his team-mates are often reluctant to pass to him.
Brailsford, the former UK cycling chief, is leading an audit of United’s footballing department on behalf of his paymaster, Sir Jim Ratcliffe.Some stock take that will be.
Sancho, £73million, loaned out to Dortmund for rank indiscipline.
Greenwood, once a major asset now at Getafe in Spain on loan after allegations of domestic abuse. Antony, an £85.5m dud who needed time off for similar reasons.
Rashford, £325,000 per week, seemingly heading towards oblivion.Hojlund, £64m rising to £72m, struggles to hit a barn door.
Casemiro is 32 next month and United have £30m left to pay in wages on his current contract.
At least Ronaldo’s £480,000 weekly Old Trafford wage has been shifted.
But it’s a mess which even a business brain the size of Ratcliffe’s will struggle to put right.
The multi-billionaire fracker had plenty of time to do due diligence on United as the Glazers dithered for a year over agreeing the sale of a 25 per cent stake in the club.
But even since his partial takeover was confirmed at Christmas, problems have become even more apparent. Not least those of Rashford.
United want to challenge for the Premier League and Champions League. They currently have just Luke Shaw and Lisandro Martinez who might get into a starting XI good enough to do so. The required overhaul of playing staff is monumental.
And top of Brailsford’s to-do list must surely be a decision over whether Dutchman Ten Hag is the man to prevail over that process.
This is the boss who recommended significant spends on his former Ajax players Antony and Andre Onana.
His attempts at playing the tough guy and trying to eradicate the club’s ‘no good culture’, have been an absolute failure — though by no means all the fault of the manager.
Elite footballers are a notoriously difficult bunch to manage. They tend to be streetwise and they are good at sniffing out a buffer.
United need a manager who can command genuine authority. These are few and far between.
This summer, Liverpool, Barcelona and probably England will all be looking for new managers.
And in a market like that, the scale of United’s rebuild makes it a whole lot less desirable role than it used to be.
KEEPING IT CUP
5Maidstone showed the magic of the FA Cup with the win over IpswichCredit: Getty
THE FA Cup is so wonderful because it shows us, in a game increasingly dominated by money and statistical analysis, random things can still happen.
Take Ipswich v Maidstone, where the Championship high-fliers had 38 shots and only scored once, while the National League South part-timers had two shots and scored twice.
Yes it’s a shame George Elokobi’s men — the first sixth-tier team to reach the last 16 in 46 years — received an unglamorous fifth-round draw, away at Coventry or Sheffield Wednesday.
But forget suggestions the Cup should introduce seeding to improve the chances of perfect David v Goliath ties.
This competition has survived for more than a century and a half by being beautifully random and it should continue to do so.
VOICE NOTES
5Michael Beale has had a tough start as Sunderland managerCredit: Alamy
IF you’re from the London area and you head north, especially to the North East, you will frequently need to justify yourself against assumptions you’re flash, gobby, filthy rich, self-entitled or, worse, a Tory.
You’ll also be called a ‘Cockney’ even if you’re from Buckinghamshire, like former Newcastle owner Mike Ashley.
So there is sympathy for Michael Beale, who voiced similar concerns after a difficult start to life as Sunderland boss.
Though Beale’s accent will only be a problem when his team don’t win.
Eddie Howe, another Buckinghamshire ‘Cockney’, is loved at the Toon.
STILL PASSING THE TEST
5Tom Hartley starred in the win over IndiaCredit: AP
IT’S my belief Test match cricket is the greatest game ever invented.
That the ‘Bazball’ side led by Brendon McCullum and Ben Stokes is the most thrilling England team I’ve seen play any major sport.
And that coming back from a first-innings deficit of 190 to defeat India away from home in the First Test in Hyderabad is the greatest of England’s many considerable achievements over the past two years.
Especially when you consider spin bowling rules in India and England’s slow-bowling attack consisted of a bloke on one leg, a part-timer, a debutant and a teenager in his second Test.
Another England spinner, Shoaib Bashir, had not even been allowed into the country in time to play due to a visa wrangle.
And yet despite all this, England’s magnificent 28-run win was not even the most remarkable Test victory that happened this Sunday — an accolade which belonged to West Indies defeating Australia at The Gabba.
