Tweeting from what seems to be a solid gold smartphone, Musk declared, “Given the recent changes, I feel my resources are better invested in ensuring every child has a flamethrower rather than a compass.” Musk argues that Scouting America’s recent push for inclusivity has turned once-rugged survivalists into a group that can’t tell a bear from a bear market. This is why he’s calling for a boycott.

His controversial remark, “No more donations from me,” sent shockwaves through the scouting community, leaving many to wonder if the next merit badge would involve troubleshooting Teslas rather than wilderness survival. The tweet included a meme showing Musk Photoshopped into a Scout uniform, saluting with one hand and holding a SpaceX rocket in the other. The image caused a stir on social media, drawing both criticism and praise.

“When Mars needs colonists, why focus on campfires?” Musk said in a follow-up tweet that lit up Twitter with rumors of the next Scout jamboree being held on Mars, pending a risk analysis comparing Martian dust storms with mosquito bites back on Earth.

Scouting America’s leadership was caught off guard, already managing the shift from teaching fire-starting with flints to ensuring everyone knows how to use solar-powered emergency GPS devices. Roger A. Krone, Scouting America’s president and CEO, responded with a statement intended to defuse the situation.

“While we appreciate Mr. Musk’s past support, Scouting America remains committed to inclusivity and preparing all young people for their future, whether that future includes setting up lunar habitats or simply learning how to tie a proper bowline knot,” Krone stated, possibly while updating his LinkedIn profile to include “Crisis Management.”

Inside sources have revealed that Scouting America is considering a new merit badge in public relations and crisis management, tentatively titled “Handling Billionaires.” Scouts will be required to demonstrate proficiency in using Twitter, crafting press releases that include the words “innovation” and “synergy,” and developing contingency plans for when wealthy benefactors take their rockets and go home.

The Elon Musk Fan Club, on the other hand, has publicly supported Musk’s decision. This group unofficially includes anyone who’s ever tweeted about electric vehicles or watched a rocket launch while enjoying gourmet popcorn. They argue that the billionaire is simply using his influence to ensure his resources are directed toward equipping kids with the skills they’ll need in a future where recognizing which berries are safe and driving electric vehicles will be crucial.

At the grassroots level, responses among Scouts have been mixed. Some are excited about the prospect of learning space navigation, while others are just happy that their annual cookie sales might now include a line of Tesla-branded treats—“Model S’mores,” featuring sustainably sourced chocolate and a hint of Martian dust flavoring.

However, traditionalists within the organization lament the shift, mourning the days when all a Scout needed was a sturdy pair of boots and a map. “Next thing you know, they’ll be replacing our tents with miniature biodomes,” grumbled one longtime Scoutmaster, who preferred to remain anonymous as he adjusted his GPS tracker.

As Scouting America navigates these uncharted waters, it’s clear that the organization will need to balance tradition with innovation. Whether Musk’s boycott will lead to significant changes or simply become another footnote in the annals of Twitter history remains to be seen. In the meantime, Scouts across the nation will continue to prepare for life’s adventures, be they on forested trails or among the stars.

As for Musk, it seems likely he’ll remain a prominent media figure, ready to tweet his way to the forefront of any organization, virtual or physical, that deviates from his futuristic vision. And, of course, popcorn will always be available as everyone watches this modern pioneer plot his next big move.